Project Description
just went to check my ex’s twitter but accidentally typed in my own name and i’m falling in love with myself all over again
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) December 17, 2016
Can’t tell if coworker wants to be friends or just drew my name for secret santa
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) December 14, 2016
Dr: do you have any pain today?
Me: no
Dr: it doesn’t have to be physical
Me: YESSSS!!!— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) December 8, 2016
No Scrubs was better back when I couldn’t identify with the scrubs
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) December 1, 2016
the host at this restaurant greeted me with the usual “hi how are you today?”and then we both started crying
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) November 9, 2016
My uber driver realized I’m crying and changed the music from pop to sad jazz. 5 stars.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) September 22, 2016
I’m not just running away from my problems I’m running towards better problems
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) January 7, 2016
Excited to say I auditioned for two queer characters this week and only one of them gets killed
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) August 24, 2016
Why wait and see what happens when I can take action & make sure the worst possible thing happens?
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) July 4, 2016
In Boston my gf’s ex was my enemy, in LA my gf’s ex was my friend, in Portland my gf’s ex is my Life Coach
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) July 1, 2016
mirror mirror on the wall who’s the most emotionally unavailable of them all
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) June 27, 2016
Please don’t make me delete your ex from social media if you’re going to get back together and bring them to get tacos with us
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) April 28, 2016
Learning to allow myself to express anger instead of bottling it up. Let me know if you want a letter detailing all the times you fucked up.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) April 11, 2016
My favorite parties are ones where people tell me they escaped from cults
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) February 6, 2016
I’m in a great relationship so instead of having anxiety about making it work I get to worry about my absolute devastation upon her death.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) January 28, 2016
“If you can’t give me Everything, I don’t want anything.” -me, walking out of the bagel shop
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) December 19, 2015
I wish my cats looked at me the way they look at my ceiling fan
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) December 8, 2015
I love having sex in my childhood bedroom! It’s so nice that the family who lives there now lets us in.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) November 24, 2015
Every time I pick up my cat I run straight to a mirror to see how cute we look together.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) September 28, 2015
What’s it like to be straight and not ruled by the moon?
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) September 27, 2015
Guy: When was the last time you fucked a guy?
Me: I don’t know. When was the last time YOU fucked a guy?
Guy: Why would you ask me that?!?!?— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) September 4, 2015
*sits in salon chair*
Hairdresser: So what do you want to do today?!?
Me: Learn to love myself.— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) August 12, 2015
I see you, girl at the post office taking pictures of my fanny pack.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) August 10, 2015
There are plenty of hobbies I’d like to take up but I’m saving some for the future in case I need something new to get me through a divorce.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) July 22, 2015
No matter where I go I assume everyone there is best friends and I’m the only person who doesn’t know anyone
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) July 19, 2015
My friend asked if he should tell his tinder match about his map-making skills. Let’s not put the cartography before the horse.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) July 7, 2015
If I had a nickel for every time I got a gift for someone & kept it after realizing I hated them I’d have $.05 & a $30 book on the art world
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) June 30, 2015
Just said “it was nice to meet you!” to someone as though we don’t already know each other and they didn’t ruin my 2007
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) June 19, 2015
I did the math, and I realistically need to get married by 35 if I want my cats to be alive for the wedding.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) May 26, 2015
I’m going to live out this day with the confidence of someone who never puts their phone on silent.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) May 11, 2015
I wish my body had an alarm to tell me when I’m starting my period. Sometimes crying because I never learned to play piano just isn’t enough
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) May 2, 2015
The hardest thing about meeting people at parties is pretending I don’t already follow them on twitter
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) March 15, 2015
I can’t tell if my back hurts from hiking or from carrying the weight of the patriarchy
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) February 5, 2015
I hate when people say I’m the prettiest lesbian they know. I’m prettier than their straight friends too.
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) December 19, 2014
Can I get fired for wearing a bunch of makeup to my interview and then not wearing any after I get the job
— Kristen Mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) December 15, 2014